Will Bradley’s Guide To Rooting For A Chicago Sports Team

Disclaimer: I am not a Chicago sports fan. At all. Not even a little bit.

Do I like Chicago? Yes. Their sports teams? GTFOH.

I moved to Waterloo last December 29, and as a Minnesota guy and intense Vikings and Twins fan this place frustrates me. Why are there so many Chicago games, St. Louis games, Green Bay Packer games, and even KANSAS CITY games on TV here? Has nobody ever heard of Google Maps? Minneapolis is closer to the Cedar Valley than all of these places!

Anyway, the Chicago Cubs are back in the hunt for the World Series -- that's baseball for the non-sports fan -- and they play in the National League Wild Card game tonight.

There are a lot of Chicago sports fans in Iowa -- too many to be exact -- but in case you are NOT a Chicago sports fan, I want to help you fit in.

Knowledge is power, so to blend in with people like this:

You can't look like a doofus.

Here are things you need to know if you're watching tonight's Cubs game.......I may not like Chicago sports but I am very knowledgeable about sports (almost too much so) so trust me with this stuff:

1) It should be a legitimately good game. The Cubs play Pittsburgh, another feel-good underdog story.

2) The Pirates and Cubs have the 2nd and 3rd-best records in all of Major League Baseball. They unfortunately play in the same division as the St. Louis Cardinals, who had the best overall record. This is rare and not fair, but it is what it is.

3) The Cardinals are the New York Yankees of the National League. If anyone can give me an explanation why they show St. Louis Freaking Cardinals games on my Waterloo cable TV that doesn't involve the decision-makers having massive brain trauma, I'm all ears.

4) The winner of this game plays the Cardinals in the best-of-5 National League Division Series. This is particularly big for Cubs fans, because Cubs-Cardinals is the biggest rivalry in baseball not named Yankees-Red Sox or Dodgers-Giants.

5) Even the most diehard of Cubs fans will admit they will root for whoever wins this game to beat the Cardinals, because the Cardinals suck and St. Louis is a dump.

6) What Cubs fans will NOT admit? Wrigley Field is a dump too. Everybody romances about "Wrigleyville" (which is basically a bunch of apartment buildings that puts bleachers on the roof so people can watch Cubs games across the street which the Cubs hate), a McDonald's (which the team bought and will tear down eventually to build a stupid hotel), and a ballpark that is undergoing a $500 million renovation but may or may not have working bathrooms.

7) The Cubs have some really great players. Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, and Addison Russell as hitters, Jon Lester and Jake Arrieta as pitchers.

8) The Cubs have an official champagne provider.

9) The previous bit of information is absolutely freaking hilarious when you consider that this is the history of success for Chicago Cubs baseball:

They last won a World Series 108 years ago. They last PLAYED IN a World Series 70 years ago. If you are 31 years old, they have been in the postseason six times in your lifetime.

Being the official champagne provider of the Chicago Cubs is a pretty good gig.

10) If you're around any Cubs fan who mentions "Steve Bartman" you may want to get away from that person. In 2003, the Cubs were this close to going back to the World Series for the first time since my father was one year old, and a guy named Steve Bartman (along with a few other people) kinda sorta reached out for a foul ball that kinda sorta maybe could have been caught by the Cub outfielder.

The Cubs went on to choke that game away, and then choke the following game away.

Steve Bartman -- who by all reports is a great guy, a youth baseball coach, and a lifelong Cub fan -- has been in hiding for 12 years because of this.

11) The baseball from that fateful play was blown up and used as an ingredient in spaghetti sauce used in the restaurant of longtime Cubs announcer Harry Caray.

12) Will Ferrell on SNL as Harry Caray > Actual Harry Caray.

13) They have been cursed by a billy goat.