Inmate Claims Drugs Found In Rectum Aren’t His

The old 'those aren't mine, I'm just keeping them for a friend' excuse probably didn't fly with your parents, so why try it now? Here's 'Crappy News' for Monday, 1/8/18.

Centralia, WA- A woman was arrested after failing to steal a CANDY BAR.

The 39-year-old suspect pocketed a Kit Kat bar while at a convenience store on Tuesday. She then walked up to the cashier to buy cigarettes. After using the ATM, she tried to leave the store when the owner confronted her.

Surveillance video shows the woman shoving the owner to the ground and then running for the door. The woman ran into another employee, then got back up and pushed her way out of the store.

The candy bar cost $1.19. Even more embarrassing? The suspect dropped it on her way out of the store. She faces one count of second-degree robbery and one count of fourth-degree assault. [KOMO]

All that trouble for a Kit Kat. I wonder if police will give her a break...

Gainesville, FL- A college student has planned on marrying her boyfriend, but there's a TINY catch.

20-year-old University of Florida student Noorul Hassan identifies as an objectum sexual, meaning she's emotionally and sexually attracted to physical objects.

She claims to have had feelings for monorails, iPods, [and] treadmills" . . . but her first real crush was on a GPS. And her first relationship was with a calculator, whom she named Pierre.

Unfortunately, she and the calculator fell out of love.  But now, she's moved on . . . to "Tetris".  Specifically an old Nintendo "Tetris" cartridge. Hassan wants to MARRY the video game once she completes college. "I want to...have a legitimate ceremony with friends. I feel like that would be an official thing...making it permanent and calling myself Mrs. Tetris." [LadBible]

You mean she actually HAS friends?

La Belle, PA- An inmate had an--interesting (?) excuse for getting caught with drugs.

36-year-old Edwin Greco Wylie-Biggs has been serving a prison sentence for heroin possession and reckless endangerment since 2014. Last year, a corrections officer performed a strip search on Wylie-Biggs after another inmate passed something to him.

Wylie-Biggs was ordered to bend over and spread his buttocks, officers found a small plastic bag sticking out of his rectum. Inside that bag was a blue balloon containing synthetic marijuana. Mr. Biggs excuse? The drugs in his butt...weren't his.

SHOCKINGLY, a judge didn't buy it, and sentenced Wylie-Biggs to an additional three to six years for possessing contraband. He appealed the decision last week, but the court upheld the sentence. [PennLive.com]

That excuse might work when you're hiding pot in your sock drawer, not when you have a bag of it up your bunghole.

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