It's not often that death is the preferred option. This is "Crappy News" for Friday, December 7th, 2018.

Orange County, FL- Santa Claus was taken away in handcuffs.

Happy Santa

Police received an anonymous tip that 48-year-old Robert Kendel was playing Santa Claus without disclosing his employment. Kendel is a registered sex offender, and was convicted in 1993 of sexual battery on a child 12 or younger.

An officer reached out through a Craigslist ad in which Kendel sold his services as "Santa Bob." The deputy offered him $80 to portray Santa at what he called a "corporate event."

When Kendel arrived in his full Santa garb he was arrested and charged with violating the terms of his sex offender registry. Kendel's wife says he has served his time and does not pose a threat. [Miami Herald]

Mt. Airy, OH- A woman got arrested after a--heated--argument.

Photo: Hamilton County (OH) Jail
Photo: Hamilton County (OH) Jail

61-year-old Charlene Thompson is accused of pouring hot grease on another woman during a dispute Sunday at her home.

The victim had severe burns on her back and arms, which were visible to officers.

Thompson has been charged with felony assault. She has a history of violence, including an arrest in 2008 for kicking a police officer.  []

I'm not sure what's worse: her crime or those eyelashes. YIKES.

Salt Lake City, UT- A man has been charged with attacking his roommate with an ICE PICK.


45-year-old Jason Maughn is accused of putting a gun to the victim's head and handcuffing him to a chair. The victim told police he was given a choice of being killed in the desert or having a nail driven into his penis.

Personally, I feel like he made the wrong choice--authorities say Maughn took an ice pick and HAMMERED IT INTO THE GUY'S JUNK.

The unnamed man went to the hospital for treatment the next day after Maughn removed his restraints.

The incident is being categorized as a domestic violence case, though the relationship between the two is unclear. Maughn has been charged with sexual assault and kidnapping. [KUTV]

Death! I choose death!

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