I swear it wasn't me...but it could've been. This is "Crappy News" for Tuesday, August 21st.

Melbourne, Australia- A teenager is facing multiple charges after successfully hacking into Apple's main computer network.

Earth Day At Apple Store Dusseldorf
Sascha Steinbach/Getty Images

Apple reported the teen to the FBI after detecting external access, and authorities then alerted Australian Federal Police, which obtained a warrant to search the teen's home.

Agents found two Mac laptops in the house with serial numbers matching the devices that had accessed Apple’s network. A seized hard drive and phone also apparently had an IP address that were linked to the hack. The teen suspect allegedly accessed customer accounts and downloaded 90 gigabytes of sensitive files.

Police were able to pin it on him after finding a folder on his computer labeled "hacky hack hack." The kid reportedly told officers that he did it all because was such a fan of Apple and hoped to work for the company someday. [Gizmodo]

This kid is really smart AND really dumb.

St. Petersburg, FL- This lady sure knows how to party.

Wine Glasses over White

Police received a call Thursday morning about a disturbance at a public park. Cops arrived and saw 81-year-old Mary Ellen Stewart sitting on a bench drinking pink Franzia wine straight from the box. Oh...and she was completely topless.

Police say Stewart "held the box of wine over her head and began to drink from the spout." When they tried to confiscate the wine...Stewart shook the box in attempt to splash officers with the contents.

She was brought in on a charge of disorderly intoxication. [The Smoking Gun]

I hope I can party that hard when I'm 81. Or 41.

Waterloo- Police have arrested a deep-fried delinquent.

Funnel Cake Elephant Ear

Cops say 20-year-old Dylan Hoffert and three others broke into Lost Island Waterpark last month and stole a bunch of funnel cake from the concession area. During the hasty--and tasty--heist the culprits also left a freezer open, which resulted in the loss of an additional $300 worth of funnel cakes and ice cream.

Hoffert was arrested Sunday after a bandanna he was seen wearing in a Facebook photo matched a bandanna worn by the suspect on security video.

Hoffert has been charged with one count of third-degree burglary. [The Courier]

In fairness...I'd go to great lengths for a funnel cake, too.

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